Thursday, October 21, 2010

Everybody Knows James

I'm working on a pretty important mix, one to be published soon and I'm struggling to only pick one song by James to put on it.  Did you know James is not prolific at all on the internet??  Including videos from even they're most popular album Laid.

This is tragic.  The nerdy heart in me just can't stand that he is best known for his song by the same name.  You all know that one.  You don't?  Here, let me help you....

James - Laid

Kind of an anthemic and exciting song, right?   One that would get even the most stodgy person dancing and one that I used to worship until an ex of mine motioned to me silently that it was "meant for me" while dancing with his new lady.  Since then, it's always been a bit of a meerh or mehggrh and scrowl kind of thing.  If you can decipher the onomatopoeia then god speed. Moving on.

As I was saying I'm working on a pretty important mix [which isn't to say that it's so important it's going to solve the energy crisis or feed an entire continent, it's just the first time I've attempted this kind of a mix before].  I digress, so none oft he following will make it onto the mix but I love them too much not to share with you.

This one is heartbreaking and perfect for that indescribable moment.  You know the one.

 And just in case you don't:

I'm so alone tonight
My bed feels larger than when I was small
Lost in memories
Lost in all the sheets and old pillows
So alone tonight
Miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back
Miss you breathing down my neck 
When the human touch
Is what is need

Sometimes, when I look deep in your eyes, I swear I can see your soul

And of course this next one because as some of you know it's a personal favorite.  Do you know the story of why?  I was so young, like 18 and my boyfriend at the time would lament that I was such a quiet bug.  Can you imagine me as such?  Hard to believe, I know.

He was always complaining that I wouldn't talk about my feelings or wouldn't offer an opinion about where we should go for dinner or if we should go see so and so's cruddy garage band.  Worse he would have the audacity to ask me, "How are you feeling?"  "What do you think about that?"  "How much do you love me?"  [At the time I hated questions like this because to be honest I just didn't know how to speak the answers.]

My internal response, AHHH.  UHHH.  Deer in headlights x ONE BILLION.
My more outwardly response though was a calm and polite,
" Um...Whatever you want." 
followed by AWKWARD SHRUGS and WEIRD FACIAL TICKS.

So he would just start humming or singing...

Say something, say something, anything
I've shown you everything 

Little did I know it was the lyrics of James that my boyfriend serenaded in those intimate moments, when he desperately wanted me to be verbose when I couldn't.  Fast forward a year later when I walked into a seemingly simple coworker's party turned naked fest. 

"Say Something, say something"
"Isn't this the most beautiful song?" She said.

Uhhh...  Can you imagine my shock?  Nudity and my boyfriend didn't write that song for me?? Actually, in true me fashion, I completely betrayed my naivete and nerdiness by exclaiming, "How on earth did you get a recording of this?? I didn't even know he made one!" and then promptly enduring the weird stares and replies of, "At the record store. Duh."

There were too many naked Renaissance actors and gothic leather-corseted super intense BDSM strangers buzzing around for me to fully grasp the significance of the moment.  I mean,  I was surrounded by persons so infinitely "freer" than myself I thought who were willing to shout from the rooftops naked and SHARE their inner most thoughts and there I was paralyzed.  What an experience and no I didn't shed my clothes that evening [grins] but it certainly was a gateway to other more interesting moments.  What is the adage?  We spend the first two years of our lives learning to speak and the rest of them learning to shut up?  In my case it was more like twenty but you get the gist.

He was right though, you know?  I do have a hard time vocalizing my thoughts [it really is true!  I've worked very very hard in the last ten years to get chatty] and have been scolded and interrogated many times over the years about not sharing freely and accurately. To put oneself out there and say, "Hey!  This is the truth.  This is my heart and it matters" is really really difficult and even if it doesn't seem like it I've struggled with it my entire life.

Since then the song has acquired a much much deeper meaning for me.  I've swallowed the lyrics and the melody deep into my core and glued its shadow to my most innermost parts.  No longer about ignorance of self or awkwardly antisocial quirks, it has taken on a more sinister effect.  The silence became a form of bondage and I realized this only recently, to squelch and silence your own voice is perhaps one of the deepest sins you can commit.  To repress your thoughts with toxic liquids or self-effacing negative emotions [like criticism or judgment] in the hopes of achieving something as fleeting as acceptance or approval... well, I know what my most loved persons would say to me and it is at this point I offer up the same.

Tonight, I break a silence of sorts for my dearest friend, a person who knows me probably better than I know myself and continually encourages me to strive for something yet even to be visualized. To push and challenge oneself and say, "My Revenge Is Living Well".  To walk outside the cave and embrace the wildest winds regardless of the clinging kelp.

I'm putting my most vulnerable heart out there in the best way I know how.  This one is for you my darling.

3 comments:

Christine said...

zing!

Christine said...

like a bolt of lighting. fiery and with the power to leave a gray streak in my hair. or better yet, like an electrical flame that can burn a hole through the box so i can see out. thank you, dearest friend, for the inspiration and the love.

Elise said...

A thousand silent thank yous to you little biscuit. This is such a paltry gift in return for the innumerable moments you've given me.

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