There is a moment in yoga, the deepest possible inhale followed by the deepest possible exhale. This the last bits of stale air that have been trapped in the fecund and darkest bits of your lungs, the ones by your stomach/intestines. You breath so deeply in that the idea is that you exhale all the things that you've been clinging to. The lungs being our breathways and channels for change and since most of of us breathe from our upper lungs, the ones in our upper thoracic areas, the air in our deepest places is old, stale and uncycled.
Taking the challenge to breathe inward into my intestines, where the deepest part of my lungs reside.
If we can release that deepest air, so stale and laden with emotion, we can be free. I'm almost there. Before I say goodbye to these darkest bits, let me loose this first. These things cling barnacle hard.
Fleetwood Mac // The Chain (demo) //
Club 8 // Jesus Walk With Me // The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Dreaming // 2007
I've been humming this tune for the last three days. As much as I wish I wouldn't because of its implications. So, we feel. I'm trying not to.
Having spent the better part of my evening reading about U.S. prisoners in solitary confinement, some of whom have been so for 10, 20 even 40 plus years as well as watching a video of a Japanese culinary tradition of eating a still beating heart from an alive and eviscerated frog, I feel I can allow myself a wisp of narcissistic melodrama to swim with this pulsing rage that never seems to evaporate.
Last night, while drinking with coworkers, we touched upon the subject of my recent love trysts and the anger overcame me so violently and without warning I threw something across the bar's patio. Just another day with my chaotic alter ego. I wish I knew how most people seem to know and respect the boundaries of behavior and decorum. It's not something that has ever really come easy for me and it's either a stone mountain or an eruptive volcano people get to experience. There are some I know who never make those around them uncomfortable. Blending effortlessly into a mellow and humorous vibe, they must be the most agreeable people to be around.
It does a number on the psyche when one is dumped twice in a month's time. Whether that damage is an effect or cause, who can say? For now, staying away from the contact of others is probably my only protective measure. Dignity and pride being scarce commodities, I must attempt to reserve what little stores I have left. So, bachelorette living is back and it's an easy adjustment. Chips for dinner and binging on films and new articles. At least, when I'm ready to rejoin society, I will have something other than my own mental decrepitude to bring to the table.
Public Image Ltd // Rise // Album // 1986
Anger is an energy Anger is an energy Anger is an energy Anger is an energy Anger is an energy Anger is an energy Anger is an energy Anger is an energy
I'm gonna try so hard, no one can fault me. If I crack up, at least good tunes soothed me down into the mire. Also, I managed to say exactly the right thing today, though it caused some ripple waves. No sweet bullshit.. just a succinct... "if people are stupid, I don't give a shit".
And if they have a problem with it, they can fuck off.
The cantankerous CTST is back. Let's start with some yummy gaze.
Airiel // Sugar Crystals // The Battle of Sealand // 2007
This video brings me so much joy...
Jesus and Mary Chain // Cracking Up //Munki // 1998
It's a weird thought, one that might not be widely accepted. One that might even be strange after all the posts I've shared... but I think finally there is no Good or Bad. There is no After. Bad things, no, terrible/unspeakable things happen to "good" people and blessings fall upon "bad" people. I don't believe in Karma anymore. So, I don't really believe in a God anymore. We're here. We live. We experience. So that's that.