The other night I watched Call Me By Your Name. It's been out for some time but I'm late, as usual. Have you seen it? It really touched me, deeply.
I felt so much after watching it - like I had wondered into a room inside myself I haven't been to in a long time. Even now, days later, I still can't quite put my finger on the emotions it evokes, it really was more of a sense of solid self. An entity, a force and presence. And in this room, she was a breathing part of the ether who lives and exists all on her own, without me. She needs neither my permission or my approval, in fact, she/It are unaware of such notions.
There is only this love, this connection to oneself, others, food, nature. It is so intimate too, soft and tender, breathing pink rainy mists of vulnerability. Without fear of reprisal or shame.
And since then, for three days I have only been able to listen to one song. It's from the soundtrack and it's by Sufjan Stevens, who is someone in the past I was resistant to. I think maybe because it reminds me of Elliot Smith and that's a sad thing. Regardless, for days, it's the only thing I could stomach as I let the tears fall. As I stayed curled up in that pink misty room inside myself.
Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spots.