Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Noise

A murky tributary with prolific silt claws my eyes, fills my mouth, my ears.. choked and cloaked I am deaf, blind, and disquieted.  Sweet clear stream I miss thee, with your easy simplicity.  Silence, my beloved, wash through my mind and sift this cloying mud. 

Austra - The Noise

I can't sleep at night
The noise, the noise.
My eyes they open wider
The noise, the noise.
I came to relate
The noise, the noise.
Help me compensate for
The noise, the noise.

But I wouldn't do anything.
The thundering that throws me away.
I wouldn't do anything.

I won't go to church
The noise, the noise.
The preacher wouldn't care for
The noise, the noise.
I don't know what's real from
The noise, the noise.
I can't hear a thing for
The noise, the noise.
The noise.
The noise.
The noise.

I wouldn't do anything.
The thundering that throws me away.
I wouldn't do anything.
There's something that keeps me away.
I wouldn't do anything.
Something that begs me to stay.
I wouldn't do anything.
Something that throws me away. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

When We Mean Soft Things

A key turning, a pivotal shift... a parallel universe.  That was then, this is now and so much is healed in the microcosm.  So much of what I craved and willed with angry possession is now given effortlessly and lovingly.  This new language is baffling in its familiarity and yet I am so at home.

My lover is camping, with no phone or means of active communication and I've been left to my own devices.  Not alone because I've spent the days in active communion with so many beautiful people and am solidifying my new being.   This person that loves this person, without fear and doubt.  I am stretching these new wings and muscles, feeling comfortable in this new skin of identity.  She is herself.  I am myself.  We love each other.  Trusting these truths that braid tenderly, as we grow together.

 There was the night spent with the two Spiritual Healer Mothers and how their incredible energies combined to aid in a cathartic VOCAL release of so many years of pain, I howled with red hot tears on an art collector's turret patio with the skyline in attendance and was then so subsequently loved and supported my little wounded child within feels like singing, not hiding.  There was Vegan Soup Night and cocktail chats spent with Skywalker laughing about the pecularities of relationships and the strange concessions we make along the way for love and how they don't bind, these loving restraints we encourage.  And today's amazing four hour vegan breakfast taco brunch time with Skywalker and Christine where we covered so many continents of conversation: relationships, love, politics, geographical identity, dancing followed by wine night with Cherokee and that healing thing that occurs when you stop being retractive and open up to another person.  She and I are uncovering how to better communicate with our Loves, how to stop the Angry Train and stop screaming for what you need.  Stop.  Think.  Breathe.  Commune.  With soft truth.

I miss my darling One but I'm also grateful to experience what it's like to be in love and not feel desperate for them all the time.  She will be with me soon, I will bathe in her warmth and share with her all that we've experienced soon enough.  This is new, this precious space... I am not afraid without her, I envision her peace and happiness as she communes with her friends, with nature, with herself.  I know she's thinking of me as she is loving herself and her life and I am doing the same. 

Fear breeds jealous, anger, judgement, criticism and results in smallness of spirit.  Manifesting in wonderful open ways, love is expansive.  It grows and grows and in turn creates undulating beauty in others, rippling in perpetuity.  I'm so humble and grateful, there just aren't enough words in my vocabulary to speak of this shift. Using the same sorts of words of gratitude and warmth over and over again to express such a feeling is old and doesn't really say how profoundly [     ] I actually am... I need new words.   Dark and nebulous is my accustomed language, I swim in the dark and murky depths with relative ease;  navigating light, love and openness is awkward and makes me... shy.   My spirit and face blush, I hide my face in my right shoulder and hunch inward basking in a wonderful inward feeling [that is almost shameful in its fullness] just as my lover reminds me the peaceful rosy apples of my cheeks are beautiful and gently draws my face into hers.   Drawing myself into the light of her healing being, she carefully reassures me we are perched on this limb of our love together.

Song meanings are changing for me in profound ways as my life changes profoundly.  Have you experienced this?  How you used to hear a song a certain way and after an undetermined time you hear it differently?  It's a subtle shift but one that strikes my innards.  For example, take one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.  I used to mantra this song while in the depths of my last relationship, pleading to the universe we could transcend and love each other the way we both needed to be loved.  Oh how the lyrics of this song would haunt me in our daily interactions.  Now I mantra the following lines within myself as a reminder to appreciate and worship my lover.  To always consider in my thoughts and actions how to support, love and cherish mon petit cadeau.    

Why do we keep shrieking, when we mean soft things.  We should be whispering all the time.

The Magnetic Fields - 100,000 Fireflies

I have a mandolin
I play it all night long
It makes me want to kill myself
I also have a dobro
Made in some mountain range
Sounds like a mountain range in love

But when I turn up the tone
On my electric guitar
I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had

'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we still live here
In this repulsive town?
All our friends are in New York

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Silkworm Sounds

There are whispers, undercurrents and eddies within and they have a sound, a language all their own.  Do you understand them?  These are the steps we walk, translated and prismatic.. leading us to a center estuary.  Lulled to the beat and pulse of my lover's pure heart thrumming so close to my own, these precious moments of solace and peace.  In a strange precipice of consciousness, these sounds urge me to mold that ever present fear into ribbons of warmth and light.  Tendrils of transcendent cocoons that heal and never harm.  For her, I will shift mountains.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Sweeter Than Heaven, Hotter Than Hell

Am I dreaming?  Limbs entangled, our breath inhalation breeds magic.   My lover lays supine and supple beneath me as I whisper sweet nothings to her en francais [tu es le beau soleil dans ma vie] as my hands perform their not so sweet hungry manipulations.  Working spells of holy communion, there is a sacred communication between my touch and her willing flesh.  She wonders what I'm thinking, what I mean about this exchange between our skins when I murmur quietly, drinking her in with complete intoxicated worship.  But I refuse to say, this is our time - epidermis and spirit, conversing in this secret language comprised of lusty prayers and her glorious limbs... such devotion to her perfect golden mandala body.

Florence & The Machine - Drumming Song

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

I run to the river and dive straight in
I pray that the water will drown out the din
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out

I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole
Till there's nothing left inside my soul
As empty as that beating drum
But the sound has just begun

Friday, January 4, 2013

Fire Heart

An ending and a beginning.  My crush has become my lover and I don't even know if I have the words to share.  Pause for reaction. Words are my life but with her I don't even need them.  We speak and we know.  We feel and we both understand.

My life has come full circle in the most beautiful strangest of ways.  First five years of heartache believing I'm worth nothing and then leaving the Babylon Tower which led me to embrace a life of serenity, grace and love and ultimately the most beautifully kind, emotional, intelligent, foxy, loving, accepting, sexually deviant, sensual human being I have ever met.  I feel so incredibly lucky after so many years of sadness, longing, loneliness, rage and ire to find the person that answers all the questions, hopes, fears and prayers I've embraced and expanded. 

She is, as I tell her often, mon petit cadeau [my little gift].  We wrap ourselves in emotional salt, wounded and healed; a warm bath of solidified faith - speaking the same language; both ephemerally and wholly connected in ways I've only dreamed of.  Our fire hearts astound me with their synchronicity, we both absorb and rebel and I am so incredibly lucky to have met her and am even more amazingly blessed she loves me. Many apologies if I don't spend much time here in the near future but I'm sure you can understand; in fact, I think I can hear teeny tiny hands clapping in applause... all my lovely followers converging to wish me happiness after so many years of sad loneliness.  Sunshine reigns.  Much warmth lovelings.

There are so many songs that my beautiful lover inspires me to hum, dance and share but this one leaves me feeling the most whole, the most shiny.


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