Monday, February 25, 2013

And Waves Are All I Want To Hear

The March winds have started blowing early tonight.  Wild gusts tear limbs from trees and surprise sensitive epidermis with nippy bites, a reminder to us all in the groin of America that even though it's been balmy and summery during the day for weeks, winter still has a voice.  Add to to the tumult that it's also a full moon and someone mentioned Mercury is in retrograde so wildness likely abounds.  If you're out and about, be mindful of contracts, technologies and bad decisions.. they'll likely confound you at every turn.

Three days remain for me in my Womb and with my pup Mavis and yet I've done little to pack or finalize this phase in my life.  Strange that I look around me at the possessions I've acquired and cherished for so long and yet I feel so weary of them.  Wouldn't it be wonderful when starting over if you could just magically be done with the Now and be transported into Tomorrow?  The grunt work doesn't interest me in the least; daydreams are so much more real to me. Wishing for the new home and phase wrapped in the strong supple arms of my Mandala Lover embracing the new, minus the boxes, pup rehoming and exertion.  Acceptance of change is funny like that.  Ok Change, I'm ready for you.  This is cool but get it over with already.

The Stranglers - North Winds Blowing

I saw an orange robe burning
I saw youth on fire
I saw metal machine that were turning
On a generation that hadn't yet tired

I heard of two generations being murdered
In a Europe that was shrouded in black
I witnessed the birth pains of new nations
When the chosen people finally went back

North winds blowing
I wish it would blow all away
North winds blowing
I wish they would blow all away
I wish they would blow all away

I saw freedom in the shape of disease
And mainly men had to quench their desire
And while a few could do just as they pleased
I saw kids whose bellies were all on fire

When all is dead and war is over
When hollow victory has been won
Who will joing in the celebration
Or the evil that just can't be undone

North winds blowing
I wish it would blow all away
North winds blowing
I wish they would blow all away
I wish they would blow all away

I used to dream about destruction
But now that I feel it getting near
I spend my time watching the ocean
And waves are all I want to hear

I wish I was a believer
I'd spend less time in being sad
So may laws against disbelieving
Don't know who's good or who's bad

Photo by Werner Bokelberg

Thursday, February 21, 2013

And Just Like That

Things begin to change.  I am flooded by change from every direction.  I am the crevasse of dried burnt earth.  I am the dam that kept my crevasses dry.  I am the salty water wearing down the dam, flooding myself. I am the new landscape unfolding before me.

Reading the story written by my friend of the asexual robot inventor and his relationship between his android and the human girl, or the new blog by my dearest Christine and her Senbazuru journey or the continued progress of Skywalker through 40 days of yoga/meditation, I am so inspired by the manifestations in their lives, I want to run, not walk out, of the tunnel of my own making and embrace all the newness coming my way. 

Melody Prochet's Melody's Echo Chamber... dreamy, webbed and swirling heights of color and sound embed the eddies of change mixing with the deeply rooted earth of my heart.  I am churned to mud and freed from the last clinging grips of nostalgia.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Something's Got A Hold On Me

Always a Larkspur
No Rest for my heart

Something's got a hold of me, baby

Always a Larkspur
No Rest for my heart

Pulled its hand from the earth
I pulled its hand from the earth

Something's got a hold on me
Know that something's got a hold of me

The Veils - Larkspur


Misheard lyrics are my forte and today I got hit with a doozy.  Every time I've heard this song, I always get a little frisky and lustful imagining sweaty limbs, strobe lights and lots of bad decisions because I hear the line... Writhing on the dance floor.  Writhing... what an amazingly sexual word. 

Alas today I discovered it's Riding on the Metro.  Dammit, that's not near as much fun.. at least in my corner of the world.  The Metro in my town is pretty tame unless you count the weirdos who smell gross, the others that talk to themselves or the ones that want to hand out their Jehovah Witness Watchtower pamphlets.  Oh well... think this time I'll keep my own version, writhing on the dance floor is so much more fun.

Speaking of which... it's about time for some sweaty writhing dancing darkness.  The beast within bellows and she won't be calmed by the fucking Metro.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Looky, Hooky

Sometimes it's good to remind ourselves how fucking amazing playing hooky actually feels. 

CSS - Off the Hook

A River The Color of Lead

When I should be sleeping but the elusive bitch taunts me with wafting tendrils... I sit here in front of the forgotten pixels of this aging computer screen and am stumped by the simplest of tasks.  Find a song that suits this space and time.  Articulate words that alleviate this stone in my heart.  When did this become so herculean?

After years of routine and relative quiet, punctuated by existential crises largely of my own making, my life has actually turned upside down.  New job, new relationship, new social circles filled with a merry band of misfit lovables, family dramas and add to this in two weeks I'll be moving house and rehoming my pup Mavis.  [I'll try not to obsess over how little time I've been able to devote to reading blogs, exploring new music of late, how scared I am of all this new newness and how guilty I feel about the family stuff, making time for my dearests whom I miss beyond terribly and how heartbreaking it will be when I finally have to relinquish Mavis to her new home in just a few short days.  TRY I said.]  All of which would previously, in their own specific rights, have sent me into blogging overload, cuddling my pup tightly like a requisite Linus blanket after many glasses of wine and comforting cigarettes mouthed with lover's delight.  Time time time... always slipping away.

 And I'm not happy and I'm not sad.

Deviant recklessness coddled and tended, this is a special moment the Gardener within me cautions.  One to be savored and revered.  Soon my hours of masochistic stink will be shunted and tetrised in ways I can't even fathom.  This revelation breeds questions upon questions, daydreams within daydreams... Is this right?  What comes next?  Who is controlling whom?  Can my stone energy keep pace with my fire heart?  With queried weariness, the fickle hand of change cradles wrinkles tap dancing across this forehead.  Brutal wicked humor, Universe you challenge me.  I wanted this.. begged even and like any wanton toddler being I now dig my foot bones into place and contrarily pout, "No, I'm not ready."

But the reality is, I am ready.  Because I am here, in this space and time loving so many new things, people and embracing new modes of both communication and feeling like an experienced pro even when my stubborn stone mind disagrees with this inky velocity.  This tiny womb of an apartment with its sarcophagus shower has nurtured me far longer than any creature on this earth is ever granted and after three years it's time to move on and open myself to something different.  A new space, a new housemate, a new lover, a new path...  one free of old remnants and reminders.  So cheers Womb, I love you and will carry with me my dusty, cluttered, safe memories of your many strange quirks and corners in my heart always.   I'll miss you.  I already miss this.

There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
In this world I lock out all my worries and my fears
In my room, in my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday

Now it's dark and I'm alone
But I won't be afraid
In my room, in my room

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Make It Roar At Me.. And I Roar Back

Tonight Gypsy and I discussed that Love, the love that brings us to the brink of destruction.  The love that tempts us to break down all boundaries, all expectations, all worries... the energy that consumes, that Will that drives you to willfully push all your desire ALL OVER ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY.

We explored how this desire is inherently erotic and sexual, destructive and constructive and how it is fundamentally different from our Lovers... those who either are Scorpio or who have predominant Scorpio in their charts.  She is Aries, so fiery, direct and Of The Moment and we touched upon how she is learning to embrace her hidden emotional needs.  I love her for this.  I am of this nature too... in my own quieter sneaky ways.  When she loves, she loves like a fire volcano... and this understanding rumbles deep within this fire heart.  Fire can burn everything, it can consume everything it touches leaving nothing but a scarred barren landscape with nothing left to grow.  This is an energy I've led with for a very long time.  Dormant versus fiery volcano.

As a wanton Fire Heart, my desire is to learn how to transcend that my Force is an energy of Love, Acceptance, Adoration without crossing wires with Overbearing, Controlling, Ignorance.  Teaching Gypsy tonight [and myself] that subtlety, gentleness, tenderness and openness weigh more than overabundance brought me to a place of humility and vulnerability.  When I bend, when I cry with my Lover... when the walls dissolve and my tears flow forth... all my needs are met.  She embraces and absorbs my pain and I am wide open, cradling her beautiful heart within my ribs.  Eroticism is more than bodies, breath and limbs. When she exhales her miraculous breath, I taste divinity and discover solace is a place, known and named. 

How humbling my relationship to Bjork has been through this incredible transcendent love affair, I cannot express in this post, though I've shared more Bjork songs with my Mandala Lover more so than any other person.  Bjork has been my voice for so long, my solace.. sharing her is a very personal thing.  I can say that in this moment, I am beyond appreciative that I'm no longer Violently Happy... I am anchored.  Which is why these two songs now have an honored immortal place in my Sequential Favorites playlist.   

This morning my Lover came to meet me while this song played in the background and we met with such a passion, I kissed her with all that I am.  With all I feel, with all I can give through the movements of strings and vocalities - I give to her... she is the most precious gift.

She is l'eau de ma vie... the water of my life. 

 I live by the ocean
and during the night

I dive into it
down to the bottom
underneath all currents
and drop my anchor

and this is where I'm staying

This is my home

Monday, February 4, 2013

Took My Heart

It's all tumbling... I'm spinning.  Where is my center?   What is my space?  I don't know.  I'm plowing through believing in another person and believing they're going to be there.  My lover reassures me she is there...but my life is falling. Everything in my life is changing.  I'm scared.

I love my independence.  We are one, myself.  I've been ME for a long time.  Relinquishing this space of control is a new space, a spirit of compatibility.  Molding something that speaks true, that screams true! A space that says, "Lover, do you even know how precious it is that I share with you?!?"

I love her so much it scares me.

I woke this morning deep in the earth
Laying bare with the granite and the moths
Up I clambered and I was met by the sun
It was then I saw you there, down on the street

My love
You've come such a long way
With no one to comfort you
Or to tell you you're needed

You and I come from the same place
But if I were to call for you
What's there left to believe in?
So I signaled up to the high and crumbling moon
We've made it then, my love

Closed both my eyes and crawled under the sink
And as I dreamt I swear i felt you in my arms again
You've come such a long way
With no one to comfort you
Or to tell you you're needed

You and I come from the same place
But if I were to call for you
What's there left to believe in?
What's there left to believe in?
What's there left to believe in?

No way, you're looking down
Took my heart and ripped my crown
And i'm fallin' for ya, and i'm fallin' for ya,
And i'm falling for you, ah,
That's enough to believe in.

You've come such a long way
With no one to comfort you
Or to tell you you're needed

You and I come from the same place
But if I were to call for you
What's there left to believe in?

You're all I've left to believe in. 

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