Feel Better

Dearest void.  Two seasons have passed since I've ventured into these parts, though I've thought about making a pit stop several times. .

The past few months have seen me vacillating between intense periods of introverted seclusion, concocting the makings of a brand new life and setting into motion the pawns and stratagems of something utterly whole and different versus returning to the familiar strut and hunt, shaking out the solitary cobwebs and engaging in general mayhem.

Only to discover those quiet spaces I've created sustain me in ways I never allowed them to do previously.  As the luminous Kate Bush croons in this gorgeous live performance, "I've been out before. But this time it's much safer in."

As it turns out, breathing and finding comfort in one's own company and in the quiet spaces between yourself and your past holds its own treasured adventures.  The longings change; morphing into something less desperate and depraved.  And when you drink from that reservoir, the tiny fractured crevasses begin to heal.  Simple perhaps, but when you come from a chaotic wilderness, half beast, half woman - simplicity is a foreign language.

So... I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I feel better than I've felt in a long time.  Longer than I can remember... or maybe I've never been here before.  Sometimes, I'm frightened.  Frightened of losing the identity I've spent years carefully crafting, frightened of what stripping away that artifice will reveal.

No surprises then that this track has been on regular rotation.



Blue Shoes // Better // 1980 // Fervor Records

The Closer, The Root

Searching for the root, the core that binds and sustains.  For comfort, yes, but also to find the key to the lock.  If I can remember where I buried it, I'll be free.



The Legends // Closer // Facts and Figures // 2006

Tell me baby why am I here?
I don't want your body near
Something is really weird
This is too physical for me

There is blood
There are tears
It is all part of my fears
And it could seem pretty weird
I even wish I didn't have to eat

You say you need love in your eyes
I don't want to be the one to show you
You say you will live a lover's life
I'm not gonna be the one who knows you

Tell me baby why am I here? 
I don't want to hold you dear 
And I wish you could be 
A little bit further away for me

I no longer hope for more
More I don't want
I only wish that I could feel free

A River The Color of Lead

When I should be sleeping but the elusive bitch taunts me with wafting tendrils... I sit here in front of the forgotten pixels of this aging computer screen and am stumped by the simplest of tasks.  Find a song that suits this space and time.  Articulate words that alleviate this stone in my heart.  When did this become so herculean?

After years of routine and relative quiet, punctuated by existential crises largely of my own making, my life has actually turned upside down.  New job, new relationship, new social circles filled with a merry band of misfit lovables, family dramas and add to this in two weeks I'll be moving house and rehoming my pup Mavis.  [I'll try not to obsess over how little time I've been able to devote to reading blogs, exploring new music of late, how scared I am of all this new newness and how guilty I feel about the family stuff, making time for my dearests whom I miss beyond terribly and how heartbreaking it will be when I finally have to relinquish Mavis to her new home in just a few short days.  TRY I said.]  All of which would previously, in their own specific rights, have sent me into blogging overload, cuddling my pup tightly like a requisite Linus blanket after many glasses of wine and comforting cigarettes mouthed with lover's delight.  Time time time... always slipping away.

 And I'm not happy and I'm not sad.

Deviant recklessness coddled and tended, this is a special moment the Gardener within me cautions.  One to be savored and revered.  Soon my hours of masochistic stink will be shunted and tetrised in ways I can't even fathom.  This revelation breeds questions upon questions, daydreams within daydreams... Is this right?  What comes next?  Who is controlling whom?  Can my stone energy keep pace with my fire heart?  With queried weariness, the fickle hand of change cradles wrinkles tap dancing across this forehead.  Brutal wicked humor, Universe you challenge me.  I wanted this.. begged even and like any wanton toddler being I now dig my foot bones into place and contrarily pout, "No, I'm not ready."

But the reality is, I am ready.  Because I am here, in this space and time loving so many new things, people and embracing new modes of both communication and feeling like an experienced pro even when my stubborn stone mind disagrees with this inky velocity.  This tiny womb of an apartment with its sarcophagus shower has nurtured me far longer than any creature on this earth is ever granted and after three years it's time to move on and open myself to something different.  A new space, a new housemate, a new lover, a new path...  one free of old remnants and reminders.  So cheers Womb, I love you and will carry with me my dusty, cluttered, safe memories of your many strange quirks and corners in my heart always.   I'll miss you.  I already miss this.

There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
In this world I lock out all my worries and my fears
In my room, in my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday

Now it's dark and I'm alone
But I won't be afraid
In my room, in my room

Make It Roar At Me.. And I Roar Back

Tonight Gypsy and I discussed that Love, the love that brings us to the brink of destruction.  The love that tempts us to break down all boundaries, all expectations, all worries... the energy that consumes, that Will that drives you to willfully push all your desire ALL OVER ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY.

We explored how this desire is inherently erotic and sexual, destructive and constructive and how it is fundamentally different from our Lovers... those who either are Scorpio or who have predominant Scorpio in their charts.  She is Aries, so fiery, direct and Of The Moment and we touched upon how she is learning to embrace her hidden emotional needs.  I love her for this.  I am of this nature too... in my own quieter sneaky ways.  When she loves, she loves like a fire volcano... and this understanding rumbles deep within this fire heart.  Fire can burn everything, it can consume everything it touches leaving nothing but a scarred barren landscape with nothing left to grow.  This is an energy I've led with for a very long time.  Dormant versus fiery volcano.

As a wanton Fire Heart, my desire is to learn how to transcend that my Force is an energy of Love, Acceptance, Adoration without crossing wires with Overbearing, Controlling, Ignorance.  Teaching Gypsy tonight [and myself] that subtlety, gentleness, tenderness and openness weigh more than overabundance brought me to a place of humility and vulnerability.  When I bend, when I cry with my Lover... when the walls dissolve and my tears flow forth... all my needs are met.  She embraces and absorbs my pain and I am wide open, cradling her beautiful heart within my ribs.  Eroticism is more than bodies, breath and limbs. When she exhales her miraculous breath, I taste divinity and discover solace is a place, known and named. 



How humbling my relationship to Bjork has been through this incredible transcendent love affair, I cannot express in this post, though I've shared more Bjork songs with my Mandala Lover more so than any other person.  Bjork has been my voice for so long, my solace.. sharing her is a very personal thing.  I can say that in this moment, I am beyond appreciative that I'm no longer Violently Happy... I am anchored.  Which is why these two songs now have an honored immortal place in my Sequential Favorites playlist.   



This morning my Lover came to meet me while this song played in the background and we met with such a passion, I kissed her with all that I am.  With all I feel, with all I can give through the movements of strings and vocalities - I give to her... she is the most precious gift.

She is l'eau de ma vie... the water of my life. 

 I live by the ocean
and during the night

I dive into it
down to the bottom
underneath all currents
and drop my anchor

and this is where I'm staying

This is my home

When We Mean Soft Things

A key turning, a pivotal shift... a parallel universe.  That was then, this is now and so much is healed in the microcosm.  So much of what I craved and willed with angry possession is now given effortlessly and lovingly.  This new language is baffling in its familiarity and yet I am so at home.

My lover is camping, with no phone or means of active communication and I've been left to my own devices.  Not alone because I've spent the days in active communion with so many beautiful people and am solidifying my new being.   This person that loves this person, without fear and doubt.  I am stretching these new wings and muscles, feeling comfortable in this new skin of identity.  She is herself.  I am myself.  We love each other.  Trusting these truths that braid tenderly, as we grow together.

 There was the night spent with the two Spiritual Healer Mothers and how their incredible energies combined to aid in a cathartic VOCAL release of so many years of pain, I howled with red hot tears on an art collector's turret patio with the skyline in attendance and was then so subsequently loved and supported my little wounded child within feels like singing, not hiding.  There was Vegan Soup Night and cocktail chats spent with Skywalker laughing about the pecularities of relationships and the strange concessions we make along the way for love and how they don't bind, these loving restraints we encourage.  And today's amazing four hour vegan breakfast taco brunch time with Skywalker and Christine where we covered so many continents of conversation: relationships, love, politics, geographical identity, dancing followed by wine night with Cherokee and that healing thing that occurs when you stop being retractive and open up to another person.  She and I are uncovering how to better communicate with our Loves, how to stop the Angry Train and stop screaming for what you need.  Stop.  Think.  Breathe.  Commune.  With soft truth.

I miss my darling One but I'm also grateful to experience what it's like to be in love and not feel desperate for them all the time.  She will be with me soon, I will bathe in her warmth and share with her all that we've experienced soon enough.  This is new, this precious space... I am not afraid without her, I envision her peace and happiness as she communes with her friends, with nature, with herself.  I know she's thinking of me as she is loving herself and her life and I am doing the same. 

Fear breeds jealous, anger, judgement, criticism and results in smallness of spirit.  Manifesting in wonderful open ways, love is expansive.  It grows and grows and in turn creates undulating beauty in others, rippling in perpetuity.  I'm so humble and grateful, there just aren't enough words in my vocabulary to speak of this shift. Using the same sorts of words of gratitude and warmth over and over again to express such a feeling is old and doesn't really say how profoundly [     ] I actually am... I need new words.   Dark and nebulous is my accustomed language, I swim in the dark and murky depths with relative ease;  navigating light, love and openness is awkward and makes me... shy.   My spirit and face blush, I hide my face in my right shoulder and hunch inward basking in a wonderful inward feeling [that is almost shameful in its fullness] just as my lover reminds me the peaceful rosy apples of my cheeks are beautiful and gently draws my face into hers.   Drawing myself into the light of her healing being, she carefully reassures me we are perched on this limb of our love together.

Song meanings are changing for me in profound ways as my life changes profoundly.  Have you experienced this?  How you used to hear a song a certain way and after an undetermined time you hear it differently?  It's a subtle shift but one that strikes my innards.  For example, take one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.  I used to mantra this song while in the depths of my last relationship, pleading to the universe we could transcend and love each other the way we both needed to be loved.  Oh how the lyrics of this song would haunt me in our daily interactions.  Now I mantra the following lines within myself as a reminder to appreciate and worship my lover.  To always consider in my thoughts and actions how to support, love and cherish mon petit cadeau.    

Why do we keep shrieking, when we mean soft things.  We should be whispering all the time.

The Magnetic Fields - 100,000 Fireflies


I have a mandolin
I play it all night long
It makes me want to kill myself
I also have a dobro
Made in some mountain range
Sounds like a mountain range in love

But when I turn up the tone
On my electric guitar
I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had

'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we still live here
In this repulsive town?
All our friends are in New York

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...

Silkworm Sounds

There are whispers, undercurrents and eddies within and they have a sound, a language all their own.  Do you understand them?  These are the steps we walk, translated and prismatic.. leading us to a center estuary.  Lulled to the beat and pulse of my lover's pure heart thrumming so close to my own, these precious moments of solace and peace.  In a strange precipice of consciousness, these sounds urge me to mold that ever present fear into ribbons of warmth and light.  Tendrils of transcendent cocoons that heal and never harm.  For her, I will shift mountains.

Setting Your Intentions

How do you set your metaphysical intentions, like one does in Yoga or other type of transcendental meditation? How do you accept and embrace the defining terms of your life?  Writer, Lover, Healer, Teacher.

Rising above oneself to abstract heights seems so beyond what I believe I'm able, when actually what I probably mean is that it's beyond what I want.  Desire is earth bound, selfish.  I even want Transcendence.  Returning always to him, a man I cannot possess.  I want to feel the intoxicating presence of being flesh bound in his gaze.  I want to be wanted while simultaneously reveling in the feeling that I'm unattainable.  I want to writhe in a passion unrequited.  Touching yourself in wet and dark places knowing He controls your mind.   With a mere flick of a finger, the bat of an eye, a salty tongue, breath in the ear...I want, I want, I want.

My desires are so of the Earth.  Always at war with my Mind.

The Cure - Halo


*How does that funny movie quote go?  "See?  You read a couple of Harlequin romance novels and they haunt you for life"....