Monday, January 21, 2013

When We Mean Soft Things

A key turning, a pivotal shift... a parallel universe.  That was then, this is now and so much is healed in the microcosm.  So much of what I craved and willed with angry possession is now given effortlessly and lovingly.  This new language is baffling in its familiarity and yet I am so at home.

My lover is camping, with no phone or means of active communication and I've been left to my own devices.  Not alone because I've spent the days in active communion with so many beautiful people and am solidifying my new being.   This person that loves this person, without fear and doubt.  I am stretching these new wings and muscles, feeling comfortable in this new skin of identity.  She is herself.  I am myself.  We love each other.  Trusting these truths that braid tenderly, as we grow together.

 There was the night spent with the two Spiritual Healer Mothers and how their incredible energies combined to aid in a cathartic VOCAL release of so many years of pain, I howled with red hot tears on an art collector's turret patio with the skyline in attendance and was then so subsequently loved and supported my little wounded child within feels like singing, not hiding.  There was Vegan Soup Night and cocktail chats spent with Skywalker laughing about the pecularities of relationships and the strange concessions we make along the way for love and how they don't bind, these loving restraints we encourage.  And today's amazing four hour vegan breakfast taco brunch time with Skywalker and Christine where we covered so many continents of conversation: relationships, love, politics, geographical identity, dancing followed by wine night with Cherokee and that healing thing that occurs when you stop being retractive and open up to another person.  She and I are uncovering how to better communicate with our Loves, how to stop the Angry Train and stop screaming for what you need.  Stop.  Think.  Breathe.  Commune.  With soft truth.

I miss my darling One but I'm also grateful to experience what it's like to be in love and not feel desperate for them all the time.  She will be with me soon, I will bathe in her warmth and share with her all that we've experienced soon enough.  This is new, this precious space... I am not afraid without her, I envision her peace and happiness as she communes with her friends, with nature, with herself.  I know she's thinking of me as she is loving herself and her life and I am doing the same. 

Fear breeds jealous, anger, judgement, criticism and results in smallness of spirit.  Manifesting in wonderful open ways, love is expansive.  It grows and grows and in turn creates undulating beauty in others, rippling in perpetuity.  I'm so humble and grateful, there just aren't enough words in my vocabulary to speak of this shift. Using the same sorts of words of gratitude and warmth over and over again to express such a feeling is old and doesn't really say how profoundly [     ] I actually am... I need new words.   Dark and nebulous is my accustomed language, I swim in the dark and murky depths with relative ease;  navigating light, love and openness is awkward and makes me... shy.   My spirit and face blush, I hide my face in my right shoulder and hunch inward basking in a wonderful inward feeling [that is almost shameful in its fullness] just as my lover reminds me the peaceful rosy apples of my cheeks are beautiful and gently draws my face into hers.   Drawing myself into the light of her healing being, she carefully reassures me we are perched on this limb of our love together.

Song meanings are changing for me in profound ways as my life changes profoundly.  Have you experienced this?  How you used to hear a song a certain way and after an undetermined time you hear it differently?  It's a subtle shift but one that strikes my innards.  For example, take one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.  I used to mantra this song while in the depths of my last relationship, pleading to the universe we could transcend and love each other the way we both needed to be loved.  Oh how the lyrics of this song would haunt me in our daily interactions.  Now I mantra the following lines within myself as a reminder to appreciate and worship my lover.  To always consider in my thoughts and actions how to support, love and cherish mon petit cadeau.    

Why do we keep shrieking, when we mean soft things.  We should be whispering all the time.

The Magnetic Fields - 100,000 Fireflies

I have a mandolin
I play it all night long
It makes me want to kill myself
I also have a dobro
Made in some mountain range
Sounds like a mountain range in love

But when I turn up the tone
On my electric guitar
I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me

I went out to the forest and caught
A hundred thousand fireflies
As they ricochet round the room
They remind me of your starry eyes
Someone else's might not have made me so sad
But this is the worst night I ever had

'cause I'm afraid of the dark without you close to me
You won't be happy with me,
But give me one more chance
You won't be happy anyway

Why do we still live here
In this repulsive town?
All our friends are in New York

Why do we keep shrieking,
when we mean soft things?
We should be whispering all the time...


evie said...

Bit by bit, we keep covering topics and thoughts and soon we will have to discuss one that has been brewing in my own mind: how your recent changes have truly inspired a desire for my own change and, at the same time, highlighted the sadness I feel at my own stagnation. Lovely post and I can't wait to hear more. xo

Genevieve said...

You are so brave and open to share your feelings on this! I can honestly say that if it weren't for you and our extensive conversations concerning growth, self-love and time's fickle subjectivity, I would not have made my way out of the tunnel. I feel again so grateful for you and am looking forward to walking beside you in this new time in your life! Love you dearest xo

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