Saturday, February 16, 2013

A River The Color of Lead

When I should be sleeping but the elusive bitch taunts me with wafting tendrils... I sit here in front of the forgotten pixels of this aging computer screen and am stumped by the simplest of tasks.  Find a song that suits this space and time.  Articulate words that alleviate this stone in my heart.  When did this become so herculean?

After years of routine and relative quiet, punctuated by existential crises largely of my own making, my life has actually turned upside down.  New job, new relationship, new social circles filled with a merry band of misfit lovables, family dramas and add to this in two weeks I'll be moving house and rehoming my pup Mavis.  [I'll try not to obsess over how little time I've been able to devote to reading blogs, exploring new music of late, how scared I am of all this new newness and how guilty I feel about the family stuff, making time for my dearests whom I miss beyond terribly and how heartbreaking it will be when I finally have to relinquish Mavis to her new home in just a few short days.  TRY I said.]  All of which would previously, in their own specific rights, have sent me into blogging overload, cuddling my pup tightly like a requisite Linus blanket after many glasses of wine and comforting cigarettes mouthed with lover's delight.  Time time time... always slipping away.

 And I'm not happy and I'm not sad.

Deviant recklessness coddled and tended, this is a special moment the Gardener within me cautions.  One to be savored and revered.  Soon my hours of masochistic stink will be shunted and tetrised in ways I can't even fathom.  This revelation breeds questions upon questions, daydreams within daydreams... Is this right?  What comes next?  Who is controlling whom?  Can my stone energy keep pace with my fire heart?  With queried weariness, the fickle hand of change cradles wrinkles tap dancing across this forehead.  Brutal wicked humor, Universe you challenge me.  I wanted this.. begged even and like any wanton toddler being I now dig my foot bones into place and contrarily pout, "No, I'm not ready."

But the reality is, I am ready.  Because I am here, in this space and time loving so many new things, people and embracing new modes of both communication and feeling like an experienced pro even when my stubborn stone mind disagrees with this inky velocity.  This tiny womb of an apartment with its sarcophagus shower has nurtured me far longer than any creature on this earth is ever granted and after three years it's time to move on and open myself to something different.  A new space, a new housemate, a new lover, a new path...  one free of old remnants and reminders.  So cheers Womb, I love you and will carry with me my dusty, cluttered, safe memories of your many strange quirks and corners in my heart always.   I'll miss you.  I already miss this.

There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
In this world I lock out all my worries and my fears
In my room, in my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday

Now it's dark and I'm alone
But I won't be afraid
In my room, in my room

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