Monday, June 13, 2016

When The Movie's Over...

Fantasies were mine.  Dark and swirling, light and effervescent.  I do this every time.  Swim deep and lovingly into those beautiful images.   It's called a reality check, right?  I've missed the Lost Boy more than I can say so today I asked him if he wanted to get together... hang out... which was code for me spilling my guts.  His decline was a sucker punch to my already bruised innards.  It's nothing I quote did, it's just that he's seeing someone else and that "would be weird".

Twin Shadow // When The Movie's Over // Confess // 2012

You hang on to the things I say
But you couldn't see
What's in my head

I'm not the first one, not the last one.
I'll cry, I'll cry
When the movie's over 

There must be an end to the tally of the tears I've shed in the last two months meets tonight.  How ridiculous.  He's already dating someone and I can barely go to bed at night without imagining him beside me.  You know why?  I'm the saucy wench that says all the unforgivable words but all the meaning is hidden.  He never knew; they never do.  I can only grieve them when they're gone because it's easier. I never tell them how much I love them, just say the wrong things.
My friends warn me my intuition isn't fallible; to trust the reasoning that bubbles inside.  They're right, I think.  Remember why you chose what you chose.  Remember who you are.  His darling memory is hard to let go of.  The gorgeousness that was the quiet and fit between us, those whispers and beautiful words.  The matching of limbs, the ease of sleeping.. the shared breaths.  Heartbreaking, I'm just going to keep crying until the desert claims me.

Let the movie end... let go.

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