When The Movie's Over...

Fantasies were mine.  Dark and swirling, light and effervescent.  I do this every time.  Swim deep and lovingly into those beautiful images.   It's called a reality check, right?  I've missed the Lost Boy more than I can say so today I asked him if he wanted to get together... hang out... which was code for me spilling my guts.  His decline was a sucker punch to my already bruised innards.  It's nothing I quote did, it's just that he's seeing someone else and that "would be weird".




Twin Shadow // When The Movie's Over // Confess // 2012

You hang on to the things I say
But you couldn't see
What's in my head

I'm not the first one, not the last one.
 
I'll cry, I'll cry
When the movie's over 

There must be an end to the tally of the tears I've shed in the last two months meets tonight.  How ridiculous.  He's already dating someone and I can barely go to bed at night without imagining him beside me.  You know why?  I'm the saucy wench that says all the unforgivable words but all the meaning is hidden.  He never knew; they never do.  I can only grieve them when they're gone because it's easier. I never tell them how much I love them, just say the wrong things.
 
My friends warn me my intuition isn't fallible; to trust the reasoning that bubbles inside.  They're right, I think.  Remember why you chose what you chose.  Remember who you are.  His darling memory is hard to let go of.  The gorgeousness that was the quiet and fit between us, those whispers and beautiful words.  The matching of limbs, the ease of sleeping.. the shared breaths.  Heartbreaking, I'm just going to keep crying until the desert claims me.

Let the movie end... let go.

Sycophant Circus

I'm so indecisive the last few days, it's making me crazy. Every time I make a decision, almost immediately I want to recant and do the opposite. And over stupid arbitrary things like, does this track work on this playlist or is this other one better? Should I bring or buy my lunch? Should I walk Mavis down this street or this one? My neighbor probably thought I was nuts turning first one way and the other for a solid 20 seconds last night. Everything is in a fog or Stretch Armstronged in every direction. Where's a twin when you need one?

PS. A Big Big thank you to Melina at Owl and Penguin for making me laugh with a link to a hilarious editorial on pretty blogs. I liken my blog to the nerdy kid dressed in unlabeled thrift wear in a sea of Jake Ryans. They're both super pretty to look at but way out of my league and unless I give away my internet panties and Farmer Ted strikes a deal, never the twain shall meet.

(Sometimes a friend and I will, together on the phone, read through A Field Journal, admiring and feeling inadequate, enjoying the company of misery, like some kind of twisted asexual phone sex....Theoretically, you could do all this — you, too, could (and should) be living a beautiful life. But most of us are simply not skillful enough, or committed enough to beauty or, as I always end up morosely chastising myself, pure enough of heart to attain it — let alone make it look so good online. Some of us have to watch SVU reruns instead. Yes, maybe I might use someone's idea for a cupcake decoration or whip out the occasional homemade card. But it's not the same. It just reminds me that I'm falling short of the Lifestyle.



Typhoon - White Liars
Stornoway - Fuel Up
The Crayon Fields - Take Me Where The Light Isn't Cruel
Local Natives - Sun Hands
Hunting// - WE//ARE//ANIMALS
Little Comets - One Night in October
Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti- Bright Lit Blue Skies
The Black Heart Procession - When You Finish Me
Zola Jesus - Manifest Destiny
Phantogram - Mouthful of Diamonds
Au Revoir Simone - Shadows [Jens Lekman remix]
The Mynabirds - Let The Record Go
King Charles - Love Lust
ELO - Shine A Little Love
The Bobby Fuller Four - Let Her Dance
Trouble Andrew [ft Santogold]- Bang Bang
Big Pink - Velvet
The Dead Weather - I Cut Like A Buffalo
Band of Skulls - Friends
Local Natives - Airplanes
Belle & Sebastian - Judy And The Dream Of Horses
Beach House - Take Care
Broken Social Scene - Anthems For a Seventeen Year Old Girl
Stornoway - I Saw You Blink
Youth Sports - Dream Girl [New Version]