There's a special place in Dante's inferno reserved for the lesbians who thrive on the internet's misfeasance. And in this circle, reserved for just a special few, are the rest of us who discover the woman they've been in some sort of undefined situationship with having ongoing flirtations with another. It is in this circle you discover you are just a pawn in their fucked up broken toying seduction. It really sucks. Even more so when you discover there's a harem of back ups. And you my dear are just a back up of a back up of a back up.
The rawness of internet receipts must be steak tartare in the Devil's mouth. I hate that my prescience gives way to killer sleuth instincts. I'd rather live in my delusional la vie en rose.
It's not the time... what is time? It's the emotional investment. The effort. The connection. The highs brought so low.
And the really funny part? I wouldn't have even minded if she said "hey I think you're really [_____] but I'm interested in this other woman and I'd like to see where it goes". Cool, thank you for the honesty.
It's the suggestive duplicity, manipulation, bread crumbing, selfies, late night videos and flirtations that send me into Volcanic Defcon 1. How she used me, my emotional labor, my words, my intelligence for months all to inspire her poems for this other woman. You fucking used me as a muse, you shallow piece of shit. You lied and you fucked with my feelings. You showed lack of integrity and respect for another human being. I know this place; I've been here before. Where is my writer's credit???
Playing a game where you weren't given the rules and they have the playbook and cheat codes. I despise these games. Never found them fun. There are so many consensual games you can play with someone without causing emotional or psychological harm.
At least these days my guillotine game is strong. Revocation without explanation is a breath of fresh air.
Some of them left no trace at all
Some left her black and blue
She come alive when she dying
She come alive when she on her last legs
She damned if she will
She damned if she won't
Some of them left in one piece
And some she damn near broke
And I am no stranger to the strange and all his ways
What could be stranger than to be stuck outside your cage?
Her.... the One I attached myself to. The One I desired beyond all others. The One who beguiled me with long stares and intensity. The One who awoke in me something I knew existed but had never fully experienced. Her beautiful body. Her beautiful voice. Her moods.
Her.
Her.
Her.
I've never grieved Her. I transferred all of my love and devotion to Him. And did it so without hesitation. Because why wouldn't I? I adored Her. I loved Her. I wanted to marry myself to Her, body mind and soul. What wouldn't I do for Her? Everything. I would give anything to and for Her.
Even if She was a He. Even if She loved another. Even if she married another. I would always, always, always be devoted to Her. That is what I promised in my heart when I proposed. When I tied myself to Her.
And when I couldn't have Her.... what did my body mind and soul mean anymore? Nothing. Nothing mattered anymore... I could satiate my body with whomever. Destroy it even. Because without Her, life became a long night of hedonistic self destructive limbo. Very much Florence and the Machine Cosmic Love. I was in the dark and searching desperately for reunion. I convinced myself for years that if I was "fine" then She / He would realize the mistake and right the wrong. Come back to me, save me even.
I convinced myself for years that if I pursued the males of the world that I would be desirable enough. If I made enough money. If I was cute enough. Crafty enough. Goth enough. Sane enough. Together enough. Well versed in music enough. Intense enough but not too much.
When He severed Her breasts, I fucking cried. I cried for ages. I mourned for years.
When She aligned with another woman mere days after the big fight and lied to me that she loved her, got a tattoo with her name on her body, asked me for opinions on engagement rings, I convinced myself I deserved it. It must be my fault because I was so unlovable. I marked my body in sacrifice in the presence of the woman who told me. When she laid with me and told me what the other one tasted like as pillow talk, I deserved it. Because I wasn't good enough. When I begged for reprieve, even said "You've got to let me get over you" and she didn't listen, I believed it was because she loved me. Got a job at my place of employment and said to me it was so She could be near me but lied to everyone else.... Loved me in the way only a decrepit demon like me deserved. Danced with the new one and mouthed this James song is for you. The James Song. How fucking dare you. How cruel.
I spent years avoiding emotional intimacy. Years pursuing shallow and disgusting connections to abhor my own body. Because if I could lose the love of my life, what salvation remained for me? Let me prostitute myself in the name of lost love. Let me prove to you how much I love you, I will even lie with men again to prove it. Because as He said, He was never a woman always a man. Let me lose my own life even because what does it matter? She / He doesn't love me. Nothing matters.
Not a waste. I have thought that before. I am healing from this.
Rather a reminder of how powerful my love and devotion really are. Body, Mind and Soul. I will give it all but let's embrace discernment this time. Because when I meet HER this time, I will be able to say with my whole heart that I choose you. And I choose you because I've met my own Darkness and seen the Void. I've come out the other side and know myself fully in both Light and Shadow. My body bears the scars but my heart is pure and clear.
He still lives in the world but I don't know Him. I don't want to know Him because the one I wanted has died. And the way I was treated proves that was never actually love. Love doesn't feel like that. Whatever that was, it wasn't love. It was something twisted and unkind. Love feels uplifting and good and brings you to a place of light and wholeness. I felt like shit for years in His eyes.
I never grieved Her but she died a long time ago. When something fully dies, we need to mourn it but we don't resurrect it and we don't linger at the graveside. I've never been much a fan of graves. I think it's better to let things burn into the wind. Let it carry those ashes onward and away.
This one gets no songs because I spent years attaching music to Her / Him and releasing those from my library and mind is liberation.
But actually, it does get a song. A song for me. One that raises my vibration in such a happy lovely way so let's lead with that. I am so happy these days because my life is my own and whatever I choose to do it is because I want to. Because I choose my life every day and the other ones have no influence on it anymore. My beautiful friends, my beautiful choices....ALL MINE. And all the lovely ones that live inside me in various states of healing, the unloved, abused, lonely ones, they have a Home inside me and their voices matter. I will listen and take care of them forever, body mind and soul.
How do I even put into words what is happening? It's an awakening but that sounds so fucking trite.
I spent years, LITERALLY YEARS, trying to fit into a model that would please him and subsequently anyone. Begging for attention and validation. See Me. Love Me.
Fuck that.
AND FUCK HIM.
I will never allow anyone to tell me again who I am and what I'm worth.
There's so so so much more to say but the feeling is fucking freedom.
The music, THE FUCKING MUSIC, it's such a loud cacophony that reverberates in my entire body.
I AM ME AND I AM ALIVE. AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ME ANYMORE.
They can all fucking choke. I am here to celebrate joy, connection, belonging and the beauty of being alive.
I know, love and feel myself fully. I am gay. I knew it at four years of age. I will never let anyone tell me who I am ever again.
I audibly gasped when I realized you sorry sack of shit vampire sucked me of my ideas, energy and wonderfulness to make your sad life better. The joy tap has been turned off and I will never do your labor again. Good luck with the wife who never apologizes.
Oh James, you broke me. I thought I knew you well.
Laugh at the wonder of it all. Laugh so loud you break your fall and you hear the gathering sounds. Leave your bones, leave your skin. Leave your past, leave your craft. Leave your suffering heart. Come, dip on in.
It's the artists, the musicians, the visionaries, the weirdos, the deep thinkers and feelers who draw down the moon and bring in the light. This song is bringing me back online after a prolonged downward spiral.
Little indie band of whom I know nothing about from Portland Oregon that I randomly heard on this Friday night when I wasn't actively seeking. Or maybe I was and we found each other. Collided more like because this is the literal mood. Breakdown or breakthrough? I don't know, whatever this is, it's not yet done birthing itself but this song is helping and tonight, my friends, that's all I want.
The irony of the desert's tragedy is that it supposes it needs to be made whole with rain. Yes, the monsoon brings life to the otherwise seemingly desolate landscape. Flowers flourish, lakes pool and the wildlife embraces it all. But in that watery union the desert loses its quiet windy beauty and whispering dune mysteries. The desert experiences oasis for a time but it doesn't need it. It has learned to thrive without the rain. Maybe the desert thrives on romantic desolate arid beauty but has evolved in strange wondrous ways to desire flippant and willful rain.
This is such a twisted albeit simplistic metaphor for our human obsession with contrarian love. Maybe the desert and the rain are better as they are. Maybe they enjoy being their own separate worlds, even "happily" in their own prisons, quietly desperately desiring union. You tell me. I think you're a liar, the saddest most tragic kind. The one that doesn't realize they've lied to themselves until it's beyond midnight.
Embedded: Everything But The Girl - Missing /// Gigi Perez - Glue
The Todd Terry Remix is my beyond favorite and no one can tell me differently.
