Do you remember when you would find a song or a band? Back in the day, are we even saying that these days? Without digressing too much into nostalgia, which apparently is yet another marker of The Aged, back in the day, I would find music through people in real life by word of mouth or by situations.
In this era of isolation and remote work... that's a bit harder. Let's not even mention dating.
There's no point to this post. Truly. For now, I find myself living life because life has claimed me. No deep existential crises today. Not to worry though, Life is still wreaking havoc but the upsets are practical, not existential, which has rarely been this blog's brief.
My actual work life is an insane turmoil at the moment but that's not very romantic. So let's move on (delirium acknowledged). I'm just a person who is healing from the loss of the love of their life and a lot of trauma, loves music, deep thoughts and deep emotions, naughty and spicy quality undercurrents, hates fascism in all its forms, avoids shallow connections, likes cats, is wary of dogs, HSP, INFP mostly (though I like crowds when it means a concert or dancing), loves being at home, loves making a garden, loves cuddles, loves days when we don't shower and we revel in our lazy togetherness.
Yeah... okay.... I could go on but I get it... I'm writing a recipe for a dating app or a dating interview or a birthday candle wish, which I hate. I'm not that person... the one who jumps into a situation ready to trust and happy to have my expectations ruined. I will run them through their paces after everything I've been through and that's not for everyone.
No. Sadly, I'm a traumatized analytical romantic demi/pansexual with PTSD and certain anatomical preferences who actually needs to connect with you first. But, okay. I know myself better now than I ever have before. So much better that I'm typing this out fully aware that I'll publish it rather than keeping it in some journal. This is a beautiful testimony to these years of this blog and my weird experiences with social media! Exposure therapy actually works ... I'm laughing at the irony...
So... in terms of dating... is it weird if I just say The Cure Lovesong and Depeche Mode Strangelove in my bio? I mean... it's just the beginning so where's the limit?
For me there isn't a limit so besides my match, who is my match? You get what I'm saying right? The inferred sarcasm and resignation? The ridiculous pretend game je ne sais quois of even posting this but here we fucking are. I already know who knows me to my core and who can handle me but I guess we exist in a circus of our own fucking making.
That's not wholly true. There are others. Like my dearest friend who speaks to my emotional core, the one who I actually let see my soft underbelly. The one I send gentle and tearful voice notes to. The one I'm most scared to lose. Even in this relationship, there runs an undercurrent of pain. One that resembles a Bjork side eye... soft and undefinable.. but also wholly understood. The strange gripping and releasing as we allow each other to breathe and be. She is so soft and strong and yet I find myself too sharp for her.
This is so true for my relationships.
A new friend said in our daily video chat, "it's a new day" and I responded with "a new day is just another way of saying we exist and so do the horrors." She didn't get it or laugh but the other new friend kind of did and we giggled over the Icelandic history of necropants....
I need someone who gets it and laughs and says more in the way of the perfect song. I miss these dark songs with my entire being. Also, the dagger, the side eye, the cynical acidic velvet tongue, the sarcasm and the gentle.
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