So much has come up this week, so many messages and dreams. A dream with Him, filled with closeness and tornadoes and then someone new in sunshine. Strange synchronicities. Songs met with shivers.
My therapist and I run circles around this. Anger. So much anger.
She tells me He is Me. That all the love I feel for him is really all the love I need to feel for myself. That He doesn't love me the way I love Him.
I try to believe her.
But at my core, still... when I hear Lovesong... it's Him.
It was a secret for so long. This undercurrent beneath my life. I didn't understand that he became an archetype for my own love and devotion. It's so much easier to project that onto Him instead of recognizing my own holes.
Ok, fine, I honor that. But still, I remember the moment I first heard this song at sixteen years old, alone in my grandparents' home, watching the music video for the first time and hearing my future. I knew in my heart, in my being, that my person would understand why this song was so important.
And he did. Letting that go is both surgical and impossible. No contact, fine. Energetically? He is still there. My therapist's ire.
Letting go of an archetype and recognizing it was never about them but rather me searching for me ... it's definitely not as fun or romantic as an undying love for someone who desires you equally. But it's real and it lets me release myself from blame and place responsibility where it originated. A step towards reclaiming Me from Him. Separating the person from the archetype. My therapist reminds me that I am not a cruel person. This is a foreign idea for me. She tells me who I am and I am so perplexed by her idea of me. Because in my own eyes, on a bad day.... it's ... not ... good.
But here's the thing. We have Cancer Ascendants and conjunct Capricorn moons in the same fucking degree. We will always know how the other feels. Always. Even when we lie, even when we pretend. We will always be able to see through to the root. And I get it. I really really fucking do. My twin moon. You chose stability and lightheartedness and I chose freedom and intensity. But the root of us is the same darling.
You love that song by The Magnetic Fields: I Wish I Had an Evil Twin. Maybe you met them? Maybe you are them and I am them and we are we?
Embedded: The Cure Lovesong
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
However far away, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
