Saturday, July 30, 2016

Tethered in the Ether

There is a part of me that has always felt different, an outsider.  Even in my own skin.  As though I were tethered to the Earth, made from it even, but another part is always desperate to rejoin the Ether.   Perhaps that's why the ideas of transcendence and resurrection have always fascinated me.  Filled with uncompromising and haunting images of something resembling transformation or redemption.  A Belonging.  A wish to be a shapeshifter, born into a vessel less rigid and static.  One with the multiplicities of microcosms growing inside and on me.

Christina Bothwell's work comes very close to these inner desires.   Add to it, her entrancing manipulations of clay and glass.  Part beast, part earth, seeking companionship and union.  Maybe even liberation. 

 Dreamboat ended things last night, quite suddenly.  I'm still trying to piece together the exact coordinates of our demise.  When something feels so real and reciprocal and yet, for some reason, it ends.  Stung and aimless.  Though, perhaps not entirely surprised.  I could feel something on the horizon, not a severing but a subtle rending.  Second guessing one's intuition, it's a perpetual curse.

It all seems so illogical to me but then again, if the pieces don't fit together, there can only really be two reasons.  You're missing something crucial for comprehension or you don't like what the pieces add up to.  The brain is a snarling ego maniac and when it doesn't like something, it denies.  For right now, this is not real and I'm denying.  Avoiding all social interactions in the hopes the bruise will fade before anyone truly notices.  Tomorrow, I will try to put myself back together and do all sorts of healthy things.  Things my art therapist would be proud of, like cooking and yoga.  But for tonight, tonight I deny.

Cocteau Twins // Know Who You Are At Every Age // Four Calendar Cafe // 1993

I'm not real and I deny
I won't heal unless I cry
I can't grieve, so I won't grow
I won't heal 'til I let it go

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